Forgiving myself 🌻

“Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive,” C.S. Lewis wrote.

” I think Peter would have agreed. He knew pontificating about forgiveness was a whole lot easier than practicing it.
“It’s the doing that gets tough.

“But it’s the doing that should characterize the child of God.
To return evil for good is devilish,
and to return good for good is human.
But to return good for evil is Godlike.”
– -YouVersion devo

Rough Season– don’t you think?

 I’m surprised we’re still here, aren’t you?

I have now listened to the Ps 121, Ps 37, Ps 18 and\or Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, RT Kendall, Steven Furtick and a bunch of other sermons and scripture.

Roughly 32 billion times.

i love 💕 it

Conclusion…we are going to make it guys. 

strengthandcourage.That is what I am talking about.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That’s in 2 Corinthians.


God is not going to overestimate my stress capacity.  He’s got the specs…….

For my soul.

The Bible says “He formed my inward parts in the secret places”  ps 139.  That has got to include capacity indications.

Like I know how many corn dogs my kids will eat when I’m cooking. Like I know how much ⛽ to put in my car when I’m filling it.

I have to start by giving it to Jesus

asking for His help just to breathe.

trust God.

He’s got the specs:

our Absalom

Up hurting at 3am about our prodigal.

We lost our son to another family and to the gay lifestyle.

It’s feels like he died.

He’s just…..gone.

He even changed his name.

The whole thing is such a mess. I feel at fault. I wish I had not struggled with mental illness all those years. I wish I had not done so many things. I really screwed up.

I feel God encouraging me to trust Him this mourning–i mean, morning.

If anyone can fix this mess, He can.

God help us. We need you. Our hearts are broken. I know you get it. You left the ninety and nine to come find us, right? (Matthew 18)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5‭-‬6 NIVUK

What if they can’t \won’t receive my ammends?


Is what swearing is for.

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

When we have REALLY screwed the pooch…

  • Like neglect
  • or abuse
  • or mental illness
  • or addiction
  • That kind of brown stuff

…The folks who got in my blind spot may not be ready

to even THINK about what i did,

much less offer me forgiveness.



Are There Times When Direct Amends Are Not Advisable?

Yes. Step Nine states that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We don’t want our actions to cause further damage, harm or stress. Also, we might owe amends to people we can’t reach. In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions such as donating money, volunteering our time or providing care.


It’s also important to take great care when making amends to someone who is in active addiction because our primary responsibility is to safeguard our own health and recovery from substance abuse.

Should I Try to Make Amends with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Hear From Me?

No matter how much you feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with your or hear from you is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others.**



There be things that I must not talk to you about yet, dear person X.

Just know that when you are ready, I would be overjoyed to offer you my amends.


Until then, when I have those aha moments and suddenly see 👀 ANOTHER time that I was wrong…

I’ll take it to God in prayer or to my blog if it seems like it might help or take some action to volunteer my time and energy that seems appropriate, like in a 12 step group or community service.

my apologies can make you uncomfortable, like the last time we spoke. I’ll stay in the present unless you ask.

Its part of being gentle with your feelings.
Part of my amends.

You cannot absolve me. You don’t need that burden.

I must not look for ABSOLUTION of what I was from you, but REDEMPTION of what I am from God.

And I do expect redemption. Absolutely expect that.

From Jesus.


Flashback nightmare: recovery 4-1-1

  • Just Woke Up. Heart racing. Breathing shallow. Palms clammy. It was so real!
  • Go potty. Get a drink. Move slowly and carefully.
  • Pray. Frontal attack. FatherGod, I ask in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth God come in the flesh for Your angels to inspect the canopy over my house. Please remove any unclean spiritual devices, evil or unwholesome spirits, and send them to the feet of Jesus Christ.
  • PrayTake out communication.  I ask for a sight and sound barrier to be in place, preventing communication within the kingdom of darkness regarding this matter. 
  • Pray. Target infiltration. I pray for any evil spirits to loose and leave me and my family now-mind, body, soul, and spirit: go directly to the feet of Jesus Christ and go where He tells you. Do not hide resist or delay. Do not draw strength from the inside or outside. Do not split, divide or multiply. Just go.
  • received_531090357779685.gif
  • Breath deeply and as regular as I can. (Oxygen!)
  • Proprioception: focus on here and now. Where I am in space and time.
  • Focus on the feel of my clothing. The rough carpet. My soft flannel pillow case. Here. And. Now.
  • Slow movements. Keep breathing deeply.
  • Focus on the sound of my fan. My husband’s sleeping breath.
  • Splash water on my face slowly and calmly.
  • Okay. Prepare for secondary attack. (Shame.)
  • Pull out memorized scripture.
  • There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus for the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death.
  • Thank You for using my trauma to bless folks who are hurting. Thank You for my scars. I trust you to make it right FatherGod.
  • anticipate tertiary attack. Suicidal thoughts……Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans for good and not for evil. To give you a future and a hope.
  • Anticipate flanking maneuver. self-pity
  • Practice gratitude warfare. Father thank you for this difficulty. Thank you for your good plans for us. Thank you for my warm soft blankie. Thank you for being up to help me fight. Thank you for kicking the devil’s tush at the cross and the empty tomb. he will crush your head and you will bruise his heel. Gen 3 baby!
  • I trust You.
    The Lord is my sheep herd. I lack nothing.🙏

    reboot my ❤️


    is like a really cranky, mega-experienced, universally difficult, really old science teacher.  Once you get past the crusty parts, she can be a total sweetheartwhowouldgiveyoutheshirtoffherback and your favorite.

    It’s part of my life.

    It’s here for this growth season.

    I can fight it – And get a detention

    or get to respect it – And learn.

    Sink or swim


    Think about such things.

    Philippians 4:8

    Woke up hurting over our prodigal. Early morning waking. Normal part of rethinking a trauma. 🌻 Super fun. 😬 frozen smile This verse instructs me. There’s things that are yucky. Nothing I do will change that. 💔 But I can control how I think about them.

    I want You Jesus. I love You. You are what’s right in my crazy, mixed up 🌎.

    ( ⬆ Cool mnemonic device)

    My patch

    Or is your valley less defined—a hard to describe cloud of doom that descends on your best thoughts, turning life into a shadowy mist of confusion?

    If so, God is offering to walk with you through this valley. He does not lead you to the valley, but He promises to lead you THROUGH it. This current place of struggle will not be the end of you. Your hope is in Jesus.