Living with regret

All I ever wanted in the natural was to be a good parent.
I’ve never loved 

or wanted to do good 


when I held my babies for the first time.

and It’s what I have failed the worst at.

Jesus you be my reason.  Be all my reasons.

Let my blog help other parents who hurt and regret. #12thstepwisdom

I give YOU my crushing, heavy grief and shame.

Forgive me.
Cleanse me.



If You don’t help me, I’m toast.


What if they can’t \won’t receive my ammends?


Is what swearing is for.

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

When we have REALLY screwed the pooch…

  • Like neglect
  • or abuse
  • or mental illness
  • or addiction
  • That kind of brown stuff

…The folks who got in my blind spot may not be ready

to even THINK about what i did,

much less offer me forgiveness.



Are There Times When Direct Amends Are Not Advisable?

Yes. Step Nine states that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We don’t want our actions to cause further damage, harm or stress. Also, we might owe amends to people we can’t reach. In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions such as donating money, volunteering our time or providing care.


It’s also important to take great care when making amends to someone who is in active addiction because our primary responsibility is to safeguard our own health and recovery from substance abuse.

Should I Try to Make Amends with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Hear From Me?

No matter how much you feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with your or hear from you is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others.**



There be things that I must not talk to you about yet, dear person X.

Just know that when you are ready, I would be overjoyed to offer you my amends.


Until then, when I have those aha moments and suddenly see 👀 ANOTHER time that I was wrong…

I’ll take it to God in prayer or to my blog if it seems like it might help or take some action to volunteer my time and energy that seems appropriate, like in a 12 step group or community service.

my apologies can make you uncomfortable, like the last time we spoke. I’ll stay in the present unless you ask.

Its part of being gentle with your feelings.
Part of my amends.

You cannot absolve me. You don’t need that burden.

I must not look for ABSOLUTION of what I was from you, but REDEMPTION of what I am from God.

And I do expect redemption. Absolutely expect that.

From Jesus.


My ❤ is ffffulllll

I got to see my grandbaby yesterday you guys!

Pictures. Yes

Food. Yes.

Coffee. Yes.

Road trip out of this HOUSE. yes.


My daughter is a beautiful person and a great Mom. (She didn’t get it from me. #brokethemold)

Her hubby is strong and manly and everything we could want for our little girl. 🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

I got hours of beautiful blessed blue sky and 🌞. (Out of my bed! Yes)


(Came home and had an awful gnarly fight with my strong, tall and ha’some….more later. Just keepin it real. Nofakes)

Then slept like a baby for twelve hours!!!!! That is a big tush deal when we have too many toxins in our bodies. (hug a veteran, former addict, or mentalhealthsurvivor)

I am G R A T E F U L.


reboot my ❤️


is like a really cranky, mega-experienced, universally difficult, really old science teacher.  Once you get past the crusty parts, she can be a total sweetheartwhowouldgiveyoutheshirtoffherback and your favorite.

It’s part of my life.

It’s here for this growth season.

I can fight it – And get a detention

or get to respect it – And learn.

Sink or swim

sleeping bags and potato salad

Family reunion. I mean, right?

The family line of David–all the cousins and aunts and uncles. There for this census. Griping about politics and catching up with the fam.

Homemade challah and potluck tuna salad and board games and skits.

Don’t you think?

Like how a family funeral of someone really old turns into a reunion with stories and laughter.


you’re unwed and pregnant under mysterious circumstances. (That used to be a HUGE deal, remember.)

Then you might end up sleeping in the barn and having your first baby with only your poor clueless hubby who doesn’t know much except to boil some water.

I hope Mary had at least attended a few family birthings. My heart goes out to them.

It tenders me to the holy family.

I know about family rejection. Hurts Like. A. Dog. Like. A. Dog.

I want to give her a big gramma hug.

Just sayin.

not Worried

The truth is that you cannot experience the fullness of joy without allowing yourself to be vulnerable to the present.

–Brittney Moses


Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIVUK

Things to love 🌻

  • Getting ready for work in a dark quiet house
  • Young love 💘
  • Old married couples 💘
  • Newly painted rooms
  • Hardwood floors
  • Spring breezes
  • Waiting for vegetables to grow
  • Grandma hugs
  • Avon catalogs
  • Lipstick samples
  • Sub sandwiches with all the veggies
  • Baby chicks at Wilco
  • Cold coke with ice
  • Getting a ☕
  • Electric kettles
  • Baking 🍞

Weird but happy

I know this sounds un-progressive and un-emancipated, (doesn’t it?) I am grateful to the women’s movement, but I think it has swung too far Gone the way of the labor union, you know?

out of balance.

I’ve seen it hurt a lot of women and children.

missing their kids and fighting their husbands about chores and tired all the time and never having Romance And not having time. and a lot of kids missing their mommies and not having anyone to teach them right from wrong who loves them (although we try our best on this one) So we live on hubby’s income, which involves many temporary sacrifices. We’re happy.

My patch

Or is your valley less defined—a hard to describe cloud of doom that descends on your best thoughts, turning life into a shadowy mist of confusion?

If so, God is offering to walk with you through this valley. He does not lead you to the valley, but He promises to lead you THROUGH it. This current place of struggle will not be the end of you. Your hope is in Jesus.