🎁

My man and I had our weekly conflict date.

Tuesday after work

until we work it out

or until one of us is dead.

(Just kidding.)

We keep to the rules of fair engagement

as per Les and Leslie Parrot’s book The Good Fight.

We walked to the gas station and got an unsweetened ice tea. I drove my scooter. Our little chihuahua mix sat in the basket in front. Hubby walked along.

Fun day! 👒🌻👒🌾🌈😊😊💏💞

We’d kind of spread our conflict all out over today and done a lot of it on Facebook Messenger. (Text fights are rad because of the emojis and gifs.)

We had such a good time you guys!

I told him I’m like 2% not okay with being sick 98% okay nowadays.

I’m thankful.

Door of hope

If, through the process of healing and growth, you have found yourself in that in-between place that feels like an abyss, understand that He is the pro at restoring the years you feel have been lost. Don’t try to construct a spaceship to get you back to earth as quickly as possible. Most of us are ill-equipped to man, much less assemble, that ship. He IS working all things together for good, even if you cannot see or fathom it. Leave space for the space. **Fellow wordpress blogger kerri on purpose

Photo by Agung Pandit Wiguna on Pexels.com

Rough Season– don’t you think?

 I’m surprised we’re still here, aren’t you?

I have now listened to the Ps 121, Ps 37, Ps 18 and\or Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, RT Kendall, Steven Furtick and a bunch of other sermons and scripture.

Roughly 32 billion times.

i love 💕 it

Conclusion…we are going to make it guys. 

strengthandcourage.That is what I am talking about.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That’s in 2 Corinthians.

#gonnamakeit

God is not going to overestimate my stress capacity.  He’s got the specs…….

For my soul.

The Bible says “He formed my inward parts in the secret places”  ps 139.  That has got to include capacity indications.

Like I know how many corn dogs my kids will eat when I’m cooking. Like I know how much ⛽ to put in my car when I’m filling it.

I have to start by giving it to Jesus

asking for His help just to breathe.

trust God.

He’s got the specs:

He who laughs last…☕🍏🌹

I was thinking

About my friend who was married to a Naval (I Samuel ) and her messy custody stuff.

About me with getting sick and 12step ammends with my grown kids.

About my friend with mental health gnarlies and having to be in a lonely facility.

All the good choices we made count and last too.

God is not mocked. A girl reaps what she sows.

God help us all. 🍏🌹☕

Galatians 6

prodigal 

the good that I did not want.  By faith I SEIZE it and make it mine.
Jesus help me say this.  You just helped me so much!  I want to help other grieving parents in their early morning hours too.

Having a prodigal is a bit like losing a child.

It’s like my boy died, you guys.  He even changed his last name on face book.   No Christmases or birthdays.  No meals or phone calls.

Gone.


Only instead of dying, he did it on purpose.

 Well, sort of.  Hubby and I did send him a tough love kind of letter and asked him to stay away if he didn’t want to be here.  But it was like when my first husband cheated on me: He was already gone.  We didn’t want our oldest son to leave; but you can’t make someone love you if they don’t. Love has to be a gift.

I doubt he knows the pain and wrong he is causing for me, his dad and his siblings.  I doubt he can see past his own brokenness.  I think he was blinded by pain. Just striking out.

Nevertheless, he definitely chose this.  Said, ‘I do not even want the name you gave me.I’m outta here.

Rejection.

“In our world, not all events are pleasing or welcome.  There may be a thing which you would cut off both your arms and legs rather than see it happen, and yet it happens, with us.

. “…have you no 😱,” Ransom said, “that it will be ever be hard to turn your ❤ from the good you wanted to the good Maleldil sends?”

” I see,” said the lady presently, “the wave you plunge into may be very swift and great.  You may need all your force to swim in it. You mean, He might send me a good like that?”

“Yes, or a wave so great that all your force was too little.”

” It often happens that way in swimming.  Is that not part of the delight? ”

Quote from Perelandra by CS Lewis

The thing God has sent (or allowed) to me does NOT feel good.  It feels like my heart is broken.  I’m dying, here!  I don’t think He likes it either.  Yet here we are.  People make choices.

He

has

promised

to work it out for my good.
Rubber meets road.  I believe Him.

I’m exercising my faith muscles.

I remember all the times God has come through in the past.

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

curve ball 🌻

The perfect storm:

In 1993, I was grieving a septuple whammy from life.

  •  bam! finding out, through a bizarre series of coincidences  that my closely-related offender was currently abusing my little cousin
  • bam! Going with my best friend\mentor to the county police near my home with this gut-wrenching knowledge, finding out that I could only report my own abuse by this family member, as I was witness to that.  I did report that old abuse.
  • Bam! shunned in a dramatic series of phone calls by my beloved family, who, to a woman, (including fellow victims and my mom!) chose to side with my favored, golden-boy offender and believe his clever lies that he was not abusing, that I was mentally ill and that I was merely seeking to destroy our family.
  • bam! Nothing from my dad or any other male relative. Silence. I don’t think most of my family even knew.  How do you talk about something like that?
  • Bam!  Losing my  fledgling marriage to this sordid scandal and to (unrelated?) infidelity
  • Bam! Expelled from my Portland area Bible college for moving out of my shared-with-husband home and into a small room that I could afford by myself, then foolishly asking a trusted male professor to pray for me. ( I can see now, how it must have looked.  I was young and innocent.)
  • bam! Having moved to another town, went out with a much older coworker, tried alcohol for the first time, woke up in his bed pregnant

Date rape.

I never thought that awful thing could happen in my perfectly planned-bible-thumping-runningfrommyupbringing life.

badly disappointed, I somehow held on to my faith, not sure how.

Ummm…why?
Those were tough times. 💔

I had seen a girlfriend choose abortion after a rape, and I saw how that devastated her.  Empty arms.  Broke her up.

Didn’t want that.

Therefore, I began working with Holt adoption services out of Eugene, Oregon.

I interviewed and selected my adoptive family.

I found a support group and a good counselor in my new city.

I found a nurturing-safe-biblepreaching-holyspiritlead-church and began to heal.  there are churches and there are churches.  You know? I was accepted like I was family.  Weekly counseling with the minister and his wife.  Fasting and prayer with them. The church welcomed me with open arms.

Deliverance began.

Then backlash:

Bam! Lost my job—older male co-worker said I was making it up and he wasn’t the father.  (I did have a boyfriend, so I can see how it might have looked.)

Bam! Lost my apartment.

Bam! Lost my health. Preeclampsia.  Hospitalized.  incredibly high blood pressures, threatened organ failure. Almost died.

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻
Induced. 52 hour labor.

Baby girl.

Love at first sight.
I changed my mind about adoption.  Had a paradigm shift.

I got to bring this beautiful 🎁 home.  I could hardly believe it!

The baby began a healing in my heart.  Everything fell in to place.  My purpose.  My spirituality.  Everything.  Reversing all the yuckiness.  Redeeming it.

My new church family hung in there with me.

Some kind people neighborhood folks took me in for after the baby came– until I could get into state housing.

Other kind people were my friends and helped me get stuff for my baby, visited me. Gave me books.  Helped me learn.

I graduated from counseling.  Met a very, very young man. (Like wetbehindtheears) I asked my pastor to check him out.  Turns out he knew the young man’s pastor.  They had lunch before we did. 🌻 he gave me 👍.

No quick fixes here.   I have continued counseling and prayer ( off and on) for the last quarter-century.
We’ve been married twenty-five years.  Four other children.

Happily ever after right? (Well, mostly, but that’s a different story.)🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

FACTUALLY

Think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

Woke up hurting over our prodigal. Early morning waking. Normal part of rethinking a trauma. 🌻 Super fun. 😬 frozen smile This verse instructs me. There’s things that are yucky. Nothing I do will change that. 💔 But I can control how I think about them.

I want You Jesus. I love You. You are what’s right in my crazy, mixed up 🌎.

https://bible.com/reading-plans/18509/day/7?segment=0

( ⬆ Cool mnemonic device)