This has been one of the strangest parts of my recovery.
The longest lived.
I don’t think I am the only one.
I don’t have to cut myself or do meth or some obviously malevolent action to express my ill wishes toward me. Though self-harm and drug use are real problems for some of us; we can find more subtle ways to be mean. It’s a thing.
I doubt I am the only one. Right?
I have absolutely refused myself aid and forgiveness many times.
I have made self-destructive choices: whether it’s
bingeing on sugar
refusing myself exercise
staying up past my bedtime
Not dressing warmly when It’s cold (there’s more to that than it seems)
Denying myself good food (because we have to save that for ___)
It’s like I have wanted to punish myself for being abused, for being weak, for betraying myself, especially for being a bad mom. (That one hurts!)
I’m my 50th year, I think I am finally gonna defeat this Goliath. At least do some SERious damage.