healing

Family Destiny 🌷

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(Jesus help me say this well.

#helpful

#courage-building)

I just woke up from a dream. (I know, lame-o.  But just gimme a minute.)

It was multi-racial: I remember that much.

Lots of children.

There was scholarship awarded–to paint with a master artist.
I seemed to be both of my daughters sometimes. (💕one of my daughters doesn’t see us anymore–complicated dysfunctional reasons–so this was poignant.)

Our family was so excited when we won the scholarship!

 

We all were working, the children and me, with wide brushes over a chalked in design: think luminous purples…a  bunch of colors, though: more than I had ever seen.

It was lovely.

My family and I were all in a huge building with endless connected hallways.
I had bucco fun in my wheelchair ♿ Sailing down the halls with them.

It seemed to be all downhill: it was like flying!

I wanted to put my arms out like in that scene in the Titanic.

Then there was a bunch of scenes in the dream(??!)  with an infestation of cockroaches. (Represents evil?)

We got em. Every single one.

#significantandstrangelysatisfying

It was a huge team of related people.

All ages and colors.

Like heaven is going to be.

Carbs 🌾

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I have seen some amazing things, which the Lord has done, in answer to my fasting and prayer for my kids.

God is calling me to another fast for something specific.

I have been fussing.

Quite a bit.

“I like food!”, my flesh is yelling!

But do I like it more than healing and wholeness in my family?

afterall: What can food actually do to comfort me?

True: carbs provide a burst of serotonin to my brain which I have relied on in the past as a reliable source of good feelings. Those feelings lasted approximately as long as I was still chewing.

Indeed. There is some comfort to be had from food.

And.

Man does not live by bread 🍞 alone

But by what?
Yeah, that’s right: EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF GOD’S MOUTH.

That’s good food.

#soulfood

Rough Season– don’t you think?

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 I’m surprised we’re still here, aren’t you?

I have now listened to the Ps 121, Ps 37, Ps 18 and\or Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, RT Kendall, Steven Furtick and a bunch of other sermons and scripture.

Roughly 32 billion times.

i love 💕 it

Conclusion…we are going to make it guys. 

strengthandcourage.That is what I am talking about.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That’s in 2 Corinthians.

#gonnamakeit

God is not going to overestimate my stress capacity.  He’s got the specs…….

For my soul.

The Bible says “He formed my inward parts in the secret places”  ps 139.  That has got to include capacity indications.

Like I know how many corn dogs my kids will eat when I’m cooking. Like I know how much ⛽ to put in my car when I’m filling it.

I have to start by giving it to Jesus

asking for His help just to breathe.

I trust God.

He’s got the specs:

Grief–hello again.

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I know about this. At least a little. My best friend and mentor (who I lived with during my last years of highschool) died at 42 years old. She died just after my first husband left me.

Sandy just woke up one morning and said “I can’t breathe.” And died.

She left a husband, a twelve-year-old daughter, a twenty-two-year-old sister and twenty-one-year-old me.

Pulmonary embolism, the autopsy said.

I am so thankful that she was in good health long enough to help me through reporting a close family member who was abusing our little cousin at the time. Sandy drove me to our county police office and sat with me in the waiting room and took me home for the weekend. Terrifying. It was the hardest thing I had ever voluntarily done at that time.

I appreciated her no-nonsense, caring, practical self there with me.

I was thinking about that grief as I read this verse today. You know how everyone you love has a certain “feel” to their presence in your life?

When God 🙏 released the Holy Spirit to earth 🌎 at Pentecost and they had the tongues of fire and rushing wind and stuff: were they like, “Shalom. Oh, it’s You, Jesus. We’ve missed you. Hello again” ?

Reunited and it feels so good?

I wonder. Did the disciples–especially Peter, James and John, who were Jesus’ best friends, it says–recognize Jesus’ familiar, caring, supportive, honest presence as well?

Like my friend Sandy, for example: she had a certain playful, bossy, motherly, honest way to her. It’s the thing I have missed the most about her. I would recognize it again. She felt like a big sister, you know? She loved Jesus and her family and Skip-bo and coke with tons of ice in it. She made a mean green chili burrito. She was picky about how we cleaned her house. She loved layaways and blue light specials at k-mart. We stayed up late talking, all of us, a lot.

Older than dirt

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I want to stay at a beautiful ocean view place for my birthday.

I’ll be ….older than dirt.

—im only 50 but this is How i feel.

I just made a reservation
Im inviting my brother.
First time i’ve seen him since my dad died.

He hurt us badly years ago. That’s why we left our fam. Police. drama. It was a mess. My kids still aren’t over it. I and hubby aren’t over it. God probably isn’t even over it! Is that blasphemous? No. It was a big deal. He’s still upset too. Kind of. I’m sure He gets it, anyway.

Needless to say

12 years.

I’m doing Whaaat?

We plan on aluminum siding conversations only. Short sweet and careful, right? Right.

But I’m pretty sick. Could be the last time I’ll see him. Could be the last time I’ll stay at the beach.

He’s not a safe person. Don’t trust him any further than I could throw him.


Scared snotless. Pretty much.

But this is what I want for my birthday. I been thinking a lot about it. Talking to my bro on face book a lot.

I gotta do what I believe.

And I love my big brother. I can’t help it.

I’m goin’ in.

Jesus help me do this thing. Gulp.

What if they can’t \won’t receive my ammends?

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This

Is what swearing is for.

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

When we have REALLY screwed the pooch…

  • Like neglect
  • or abuse
  • or mental illness
  • or addiction
  • That kind of brown stuff

…The folks who got in my blind spot may not be ready

to even THINK about what i did,

much less offer me forgiveness.

#toobusytryingtogetoverit

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Are There Times When Direct Amends Are Not Advisable?

Yes. Step Nine states that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We don’t want our actions to cause further damage, harm or stress. Also, we might owe amends to people we can’t reach. In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions such as donating money, volunteering our time or providing care.

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It’s also important to take great care when making amends to someone who is in active addiction because our primary responsibility is to safeguard our own health and recovery from substance abuse.

Should I Try to Make Amends with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Hear From Me?

No matter how much you feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with your or hear from you is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others.**

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example:

There be things that I must not talk to you about yet, dear person X.

Just know that when you are ready, I would be overjoyed to offer you my amends.

Okay?

Until then, when I have those aha moments and suddenly see 👀 ANOTHER time that I was wrong…

I’ll take it to God in prayer or to my blog if it seems like it might help or take some action to volunteer my time and energy that seems appropriate, like in a 12 step group or community service.

my apologies can make you uncomfortable, like the last time we spoke. I’ll stay in the present unless you ask.

Its part of being gentle with your feelings.
Part of my amends.

You cannot absolve me. You don’t need that burden.

I must not look for ABSOLUTION of what I was from you, but REDEMPTION of what I am from God.

And I do expect redemption. Absolutely expect that.

From Jesus.

** https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/making-amends-addiction-recovery