It had to happen

Inevitable. Hubby and I were on a date, and there she was ~ our son`s new mom. 💔

Our son might have been there too; we don’t know. He’s in college somewhere, I think. Maybe he went back to the car when he saw us; maybe we could have seen him.

We just don’t know.

Heartbroken

I guess it was gonna happen sometime. In a community this small, it’s remarkable that it took seven years to run into their family somewhere.

God why does this hurt so much? Nothing has changed~our son still left when he was 16 and eventually changed his name and joined another 👪 family (from his highschool drama club) when he was 22. Four years ago.

But it does hurt. How do I get over this, Jesus? You’ve got to help me! or I am toast.

I trust You Yahweh.

Please hold me now. I miss our son. I feel like I will never be happy again.

Be near me now. Heal my broken heart.

I believe You. 🙏❤

Rough Season– don’t you think?

 I’m surprised we’re still here, aren’t you?

I have now listened to the Ps 121, Ps 37, Ps 18 and\or Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, RT Kendall, Steven Furtick and a bunch of other sermons and scripture.

Roughly 32 billion times.

i love 💕 it

Conclusion…we are going to make it guys. 

strengthandcourage.That is what I am talking about.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That’s in 2 Corinthians.

#gonnamakeit

God is not going to overestimate my stress capacity.  He’s got the specs…….

For my soul.

The Bible says “He formed my inward parts in the secret places”  ps 139.  That has got to include capacity indications.

Like I know how many corn dogs my kids will eat when I’m cooking. Like I know how much ⛽ to put in my car when I’m filling it.

I have to start by giving it to Jesus

asking for His help just to breathe.

trust God.

He’s got the specs:

Things I love 💘

Ok. Miserable at 2am.  Autoimmune diseases and family griefs suck.

this seems to me an excellent time to remind myself of the beautiful and smart and bless-ed.  “Time for one of my little lists”, as Emily Peabody would say.

  1. The sound of ocean surf
  2. bird song on a bright forest morning
  3. my hubby’s quiet, rhythmic snore (He works so uncomplainingly — is that a word? –for us. 🌻)
  4. Out of the Silent Planet by CS Lewis
  5. Lavender bath salts
  6. Getting a brand new  💄 lipstick 💄
  7. The marriage bed–hubby and I, as abuse survivors, have talked and worked and counseled and lost sleep and suffered for all of our victories there.  It’s the one thing in our difficult lives that unfailingly works.  Like coming home for our hearts or Christmas morning or a new snowfall.🌷
  8. Distant, misty mountains
  9. Picking berries in the sun shine
  10. Oiled hinges
  11. The hills are alive with the sound of music… ” love that movie.  Julie Andrews is such a lady.
  12. Clothes hung out, dryin’ on the line
  13.    Flowers
  14. Grandmas
  15. Aprons with pockets
  16. How my little Chihuahua mix bosses my Collie and my Lab mix around and makes them mind.  Grin.
  17. Morning walks with the sun coming up
  18. my daily devotions– like coming home for my heart or Christmas morning or a new snow fall 🌷
  19. Neatly trimmed men’s beards
  20. Carrying babies on my hip
  21. My dogs and Jesus–they are the reason I have made it through the last eight years.
  22. Talking to my hubby while he’s working on the car and bringing him cold drinks 
  23. Freshly popped corn–the smell!
  24. New recipes for my sourdough discard : good one here. do the par baking its important
  25. Making my own play dough
  26. Being married to my good friend–Kissin’ wears out; cookin’ don’t.
  27. Smile wrinkles
  28. I better quit.  But I feel better.

#truth

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


Grief–hello again.

I know about this. At least a little. My best friend and mentor (who I lived with during my last years of highschool) died at 42 years old. She died just after my first husband left me.

Sandy just woke up one morning and said “I can’t breathe.” And died.

She left a husband, a twelve-year-old daughter, a twenty-two-year-old sister and twenty-one-year-old me.

Pulmonary embolism, the autopsy said.

I am so thankful that she was in good health long enough to help me through reporting a close family member who was abusing our little cousin at the time. Sandy drove me to our county police office and sat with me in the waiting room and took me home for the weekend. Terrifying. It was the hardest thing I had ever voluntarily done at that time.

I appreciated her no-nonsense, caring, practical self there with me.

I was thinking about that grief as I read this verse today. You know how everyone you love has a certain “feel” to their presence in your life?

When God 🙏 released the Holy Spirit to earth 🌎 at Pentecost and they had the tongues of fire and rushing wind and stuff: were they like, “Shalom. Oh, it’s You, Jesus. We’ve missed you. Hello again” ?

Reunited and it feels so good?

I wonder. Did the disciples–especially Peter, James and John, who were Jesus’ best friends, it says–recognize Jesus’ familiar, caring, supportive, honest presence as well?

Like my friend Sandy, for example: she had a certain playful, bossy, motherly, honest way to her. It’s the thing I have missed the most about her. I would recognize it again. She felt like a big sister, you know? She loved Jesus and her family and Skip-bo and coke with tons of ice in it. She made a mean green chili burrito. She was picky about how we cleaned her house. She loved layaways and blue light specials at k-mart. We stayed up late talking, all of us, a lot.

reboot my ❤️

Loneliness

is like a really cranky, mega-experienced, universally difficult, really old science teacher.  Once you get past the crusty parts, she can be a total sweetheartwhowouldgiveyoutheshirtoffherback and your favorite.

It’s part of my life.

It’s here for this growth season.

I can fight it – And get a detention

or get to respect it – And learn.

Sink or swim