forgiving myself

Woooord. Pastor Mike!

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“Most of us spend so much time hating things about ourselves that we don’t realize we’re crippling our ability to love others.

There’s no way you can figure out how to love somebody else well in a relationship if you have not first figured out how to love yourself. ” ~pastor Michael Todd

Oh My Socks, you guys!

I definitely had an aha moment.

with Jesus.

this morning.

because of this.

the reason ~ well one reason ~ I have so much trouble loving my neighbor is because I don’t like myself.

However…I am getting better!

it has been extremely difficult for me to forgive myself for some of my parenting mistakes.

Like I said: I’m working on it with Jesus and I have definitely found that,

as I’m learning to forgive myself.

and love myself.

and give myself a break,

and move on….

I am becoming a better parent and friend and wife and child.

Forgiving myself 🌻

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“Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive,” C.S. Lewis wrote.

” I think Peter would have agreed. He knew pontificating about forgiveness was a whole lot easier than practicing it.
“It’s the doing that gets tough.


“But it’s the doing that should characterize the child of God.
To return evil for good is devilish,
and to return good for good is human.
But to return good for evil is Godlike.”
– -YouVersion devo

Bulldozerish

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Q and I tried to go out for coffee this morning .

He wanted to push me in my manual chair, for the exercise:bad idea💡. It was approximately 3000° F!

We couldn’t find a way to get across 99W to the coffee place `cuz of construction.

Furthermore, Q was feeling uncomfortable and socially awkward (I think that’s his bipolar disorder).

So….. I suggested we just turn around and…go…home.

We had a glass of milk 🥛 🍪 instead.

I think it was good for Q and I both to see that he and his feelings are more important to me than getting a coffee or my expectations.

Very un-bulldozer-ish.

That’s a new skill for me. I credit Jesus and my husband, in that order.

Photo by Felix Mittermeier on Pexels.com

Breakthrough! I am thankful.

Relapse part 4: self-forgiveness

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Self forgiveness.

It’s a lot harder than forgiving one’s own perpetrators, don’t you think?

Forgiving myself Has come down to a bald choice for me. 

I have all the power.

I can refuse myself forgiveness.

Or not.

It seems like it should be easier than it is

 Because I am not directly to blame…

because I have more power over myself than I do over my perpetrator (who is long gone and probably would not even understand what the problem is.#loosecannon)

But it is simply not easier.

It’s complicated, because I am kind of both the victim and the perpetrator.  (Since it’s my child and it happened on my watch.)

I’m determined press on, though

because it is the  only way out and

Because it is part of working my steps (AA).

But I have got to forgive myself 

For being a shockingly bad parent at times. 

#neglect

 #abandonment 

#addiction

When my kids were growing up.

Help me Jesus. I don’t deserve to be let off here!

 You’re my only hope.

Rough Season– don’t you think?

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 I’m surprised we’re still here, aren’t you?

I have now listened to the Ps 121, Ps 37, Ps 18 and\or Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, RT Kendall, Steven Furtick and a bunch of other sermons and scripture.

Roughly 32 billion times.

i love 💕 it

Conclusion…we are going to make it guys. 

strengthandcourage.That is what I am talking about.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That’s in 2 Corinthians.

#gonnamakeit

God is not going to overestimate my stress capacity.  He’s got the specs…….

For my soul.

The Bible says “He formed my inward parts in the secret places”  ps 139.  That has got to include capacity indications.

Like I know how many corn dogs my kids will eat when I’m cooking. Like I know how much ⛽ to put in my car when I’m filling it.

I have to start by giving it to Jesus

asking for His help just to breathe.

I trust God.

He’s got the specs:

Flip side 🌻🌷🌻

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https://bible.com/bible/113/pro.12.18.NIVUK

I found it! Another thing that getting sick for years has given me. At long last:

the gift of silence

  • Golden, beautiful
  • Perfectly beneficial
  • Exactly timed

When I was a young woman, I was reckless and unstoppable with my words. Bull in a china shop.

It served me well.

“Well, it’s TRUE”

was my mantra and the only measuring stick I used for my words.

Growing up in a home with child abuse in it:

  • that I had to live with
  • that no one would believe me about
  • that no efforts of mine would ever seem to change

caused me to NEVER WANT to be silenced again.

Even when I should be quiet.

I made a vow: When I get out of here, no one is ever going to shut me up again.

It turned me into a monster: I couldn’t be silenced.

  • Even when I wanted to.
  • Even when it was in my best interests to remain silent.
  • Even when I talked to myself before a social function and said now Jennifer, I want you to be quiet this time.

nope. nada. not a possibility babe.
I couldn’t do it.

Open mouth. Blat my brains out.

Then came the inevitable

  • Tense silences
  • Frozen smiles
  • Hurt feelings

Yikes!

It feels good to be able to hold my peace now. It’s a pleasure I’m learning to love.

...mostly im just too gibley tired to shoot my mouth off. #veryhelpful #autoimmunestuff

My fearless truth-telling has served me well in the past.

I honor it.

But I’ve outgrown it.

#fondgoodbye.