Silver lining 🌌

found another good thing which God hath accomplished by saying

no ┗(•ˇ_ˇ•)―→

to my prayers for healing over the last ten years.

There are things, you guys, which I have longed for in my marriage and parenting, and which

no 👎


of good behavior, fasting, or constant prayer seemed to effect…..

Drum roll please


I am seeing them come true before my







Push comes to shove

Jesus I need YOU now

“Even though I don’t like it, even though I don’t understand it, even though I know he could and he should but he’s not, yet will I trust in the Lord my God.”

Craig Groeschel Hope in the Dark, youversion Devo today

Woke Up hurting over my stuff, as is part of grieving.

RAN (I DID NOT SAY WALKED) to God in His word at Youversion

(Deep shaky breath.)

Even though my finances are scary and I can’t see our future, yet I will trust in You.

Even though I don’t know when I will see my prodigal again. And he doesn’t want the name we gave him, and I do not know how a human being can stand this much pain without spontaneous combustion ocurring…

Yet I will trust in the Lord my God.

Even though I asked to be healed and He said Not yet, yet I will trust in the Lord my God.

Even though I don’t see my grandchild as much as I would like, yet I will trust in the Lord my God.

Even though I am baffled by being mentally ill and a Christian, yet I will trust in the Lord My God.

Even though our car caught on fire and we had to cancel our vacation, yet I will trust in the Lord my God.

Even though I thought I could trust this older Christian woman and she misjudged me and slimed me, yet I will trust in the Lord my God.

ER trip

Oh my socks you guys!  I just finally GOT something!

Know what I mean?
Happy dance inside.  Grin.

One type of happy dance?

Let me set this up:

I had to take my adult special needs daughter to the ER today for a possible fracture.

She fell off her scooter. Hurt her leg badly.

ER visit. Drama. Exhausted. Long waits. You know, probably.

Hubby and I were trying to help her manage her pain tonight at 9pm and midnight and 1:25 am. Hard for her to live it. Hard for Moms and Dads to watch. (MAJOR. dawn. Patrol. You know?)

She was still in terrible pain.  Wanting us to fix it. Desperate.  Crying.  You know?  The first night after a big injury Is always so hard.

I had given her all the Tylenol and ibuprofen I could without hurting her stomach or liver.

We think it is broken but there was so much fluid at the site that the Dr could not see to cast it.
So.  Rest.  Ice. Compression. Elevation.  You know?  We get more x-rays soon. Then cast and heal completely.

It just has to wait. 

It will heal using the wisdom of time

and God’s mysterious processes.

Patience does not come as an easy lesson.

(i did not say any of that to my girl. We just helped her move to her bed and propped her leg up with pillows. She went to sleep finally.)

I was looking at my youversion devo tonight.  Needing strength from Jesus. desperately.

And (drum roll please)

I just suddenly got why God has taken so long to heal some stuff in my heart.  Gnarly stuff.  Like abuse and divorce and failure and shame and addiction.

It just has to wait.

It will heal using the wisdom of time

and God’s mysterious processes.

I gotta blog this.  I am so encouraged! I thought He was not being careful of me, and that I just had to suck it up.  you know?

Delighted to be WRONG this time.
How’s that?
Feels pretty darn good to me.

Reboot my ❤️

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all;

he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

The Lord will rescue his servants;

no-one who takes refuge in him will be condemned. Psalms 34:17‭-‬22 NIVUK

curve ball 🌻

The perfect storm:

In 1993, I was grieving a septuple whammy from life.

  •  bam! finding out, through a bizarre series of coincidences  that my closely-related offender was currently abusing my little cousin
  • bam! Going with my best friend\mentor to the county police near my home with this gut-wrenching knowledge, finding out that I could only report my own abuse by this family member, as I was witness to that.  I did report that old abuse.
  • Bam! shunned in a dramatic series of phone calls by my beloved family, who, to a woman, (including fellow victims and my mom!) chose to side with my favored, golden-boy offender and believe his clever lies that he was not abusing, that I was mentally ill and that I was merely seeking to destroy our family.
  • bam! Nothing from my dad or any other male relative. Silence. I don’t think most of my family even knew.  How do you talk about something like that?
  • Bam!  Losing my  fledgling marriage to this sordid scandal and to (unrelated?) infidelity
  • Bam! Expelled from my Portland area Bible college for moving out of my shared-with-husband home and into a small room that I could afford by myself, then foolishly asking a trusted male professor to pray for me. ( I can see now, how it must have looked.  I was young and innocent.)
  • bam! Having moved to another town, went out with a much older coworker, tried alcohol for the first time, woke up in his bed pregnant

Date rape.

I never thought that awful thing could happen in my perfectly planned-bible-thumping-runningfrommyupbringing life.

badly disappointed, I somehow held on to my faith, not sure how.

Those were tough times. 💔

I had seen a girlfriend choose abortion after a rape, and I saw how that devastated her.  Empty arms.  Broke her up.

Didn’t want that.

Therefore, I began working with Holt adoption services out of Eugene, Oregon.

I interviewed and selected my adoptive family.

I found a support group and a good counselor in my new city.

I found a nurturing-safe-biblepreaching-holyspiritlead-church and began to heal.  there are churches and there are churches.  You know? I was accepted like I was family.  Weekly counseling with the minister and his wife.  Fasting and prayer with them. The church welcomed me with open arms.

Deliverance began.

Then backlash:

Bam! Lost my job—older male co-worker said I was making it up and he wasn’t the father.  (I did have a boyfriend, so I can see how it might have looked.)

Bam! Lost my apartment.

Bam! Lost my health. Preeclampsia.  Hospitalized.  incredibly high blood pressures, threatened organ failure. Almost died.

Induced. 52 hour labor.

Baby girl.

Love at first sight.
I changed my mind about adoption.  Had a paradigm shift.

I got to bring this beautiful 🎁 home.  I could hardly believe it!

The baby began a healing in my heart.  Everything fell in to place.  My purpose.  My spirituality.  Everything.  Reversing all the yuckiness.  Redeeming it.

My new church family hung in there with me.

Some kind people neighborhood folks took me in for after the baby came– until I could get into state housing.

Other kind people were my friends and helped me get stuff for my baby, visited me. Gave me books.  Helped me learn.

I graduated from counseling.  Met a very, very young man. (Like wetbehindtheears) I asked my pastor to check him out.  Turns out he knew the young man’s pastor.  They had lunch before we did. 🌻 he gave me 👍.

No quick fixes here.   I have continued counseling and prayer ( off and on) for the last quarter-century.
We’ve been married twenty-five years.  Four other children.

Happily ever after right? (Well, mostly, but that’s a different story.)🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻