Different 🌼

There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God.
~ Brother Lawrence

My dad was a negative, impatient person. He had a personality disorder, i think, looking back.

This fact has colored how I relate to God; i was reminded of this during my devotions today.

Father, thank You for showing me that You are not like that. Help me to learn to trust 🙏 and not be afraid of the other shoe dropping.

It had to happen

Inevitable. Hubby and I were on a date, and there she was ~ our son`s new mom. 💔

Our son might have been there too; we don’t know. He’s in college somewhere, I think. Maybe he went back to the car when he saw us; maybe we could have seen him.

We just don’t know.

Heartbroken

I guess it was gonna happen sometime. In a community this small, it’s remarkable that it took seven years to run into their family somewhere.

God why does this hurt so much? Nothing has changed~our son still left when he was 16 and eventually changed his name and joined another 👪 family (from his highschool drama club) when he was 22. Four years ago.

But it does hurt. How do I get over this, Jesus? You’ve got to help me! or I am toast.

I trust You Yahweh.

Please hold me now. I miss our son. I feel like I will never be happy again.

Be near me now. Heal my broken heart.

I believe You. 🙏❤

It takes heart ❤

Wow. Three days have gone by without me even looking at the Bible. It sneaks up on me…. YouTube sermons are ok and all, but its not the same as getting my own food, you know? ——

i avoid being quiet and talking to God because the stuff I am dealing with is yucky..then, when I get quiet enough to talk to God, it hurts!

  I repent, God, 😞 for all the social media and comedy skits and candy crush and Scrabble…
Which I have used to drown out my pain.
I want to run 🏃‍♂️ into Your arms …
not to Comedy Central or reruns of Monk. Or Scrabble.

———- loneliness shame depression discouragement powerlessness rejection——–

Jesus give me

The COURAGE

to go there

and to go all the way

with You.

Give me a Quiet Soul

Rough Season– don’t you think?

 I’m surprised we’re still here, aren’t you?

I have now listened to the Ps 121, Ps 37, Ps 18 and\or Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, RT Kendall, Steven Furtick and a bunch of other sermons and scripture.

Roughly 32 billion times.

i love 💕 it

Conclusion…we are going to make it guys. 

strengthandcourage.That is what I am talking about.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That’s in 2 Corinthians.

#gonnamakeit

God is not going to overestimate my stress capacity.  He’s got the specs…….

For my soul.

The Bible says “He formed my inward parts in the secret places”  ps 139.  That has got to include capacity indications.

Like I know how many corn dogs my kids will eat when I’m cooking. Like I know how much ⛽ to put in my car when I’m filling it.

I have to start by giving it to Jesus

asking for His help just to breathe.

trust God.

He’s got the specs:

Big Bad Mamma Jamma

Trauma vs. Faith thinking.

I am scared tonight.

It is 3 am and my stomach is knotted with fear.

Something wicked happened

deep in the bosom of my family.

and

I’m not sure how to get over it.

(Jesus, will I ever get over it?)

Freaked out:. 😨 Aaaaaaahhhh!

I am so grateful tonight…

1. that Jesus prayed for us

to be protected

from the evil one.

2. That He forever lives

to intercede for ME

with the FATHER.

3. That heroes before me

who have fought

the enemy of our souls

and won

are cheering me on

Hebrews 11

🌻🌷🌻

Thank You God.

I feel weak

tonight.

Deep breath.

Heart rate returning to normal.

Eyelids getting heavy.

Contented sigh: Aaaaaaaaahh… 🌻🌷🌻

Not liable

Jesus thank You for

c-a-r-e- ing

about

my MS and

my heart problems and

my mental illness and

my parenting failures. 


I want You.
d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e-ly

It helps that my life is so difficult for me. 

I’m not tempted to be satisfied with it. 

Not EVEN a choice

If I was

Effortlessly beautiful and

Incredibly popular and

Eminently successful and

had a million dollars…

I would probably focus on that.
Thank You 💗.

As it is, I’m not liable to focus on how easy my life is. (How boring is easy, anyway? I need to be c-h-a-l-l-e-n-g-e-d.)

You’ve saved my life, God. And made it beautiful ❤️.

Thank You.

Self-soothe: an important skill

The prodigal welcome.


This feels too good to be true for me.


I learned to expect painful treatment, as a kid,

if I ever FINALLY penetrated through

my parents’ constant miasma

of negative self talk

about stuff that I needed.

Like a hug or a sweater or a quiet space or kind words.


Not that Mom and Dad meant to hurt me: they didn’t. I’m sure of it.
But you can’t give something that you haven’t GOT, right?

Emotional resources



I was thinking with God about this issue of

what treatment I think I deserve this morning.

I want to reboot my ❤️ with Jesus today about this.

I DO deserve special treatment.

Jesus models it when it says He rose early as was his habit and went to pray alone with His Father,

or when He is obviously saying scripture over to Himself during His death by torture, because look what comes

out of His mouth.

The Father says so. No matter how I _______ in the past.


I deserve the following:
Cozy 🔥 places
Warm sweaters
Hot drinks that taste good
My dog at my feet
My cat in my lap
Fuzzy blankets
Restorative sleep
Nature sounds:

crackling 🔥fire,

bird song,

trickling water,

rain drops on roofs,

ocean surf,

silence,

lapping water,

rustling leaves