It had to happen

Inevitable. Hubby and I were on a date, and there she was ~ our son`s new mom. 💔

Our son might have been there too; we don’t know. He’s in college somewhere, I think. Maybe he went back to the car when he saw us; maybe we could have seen him.

We just don’t know.

Heartbroken

I guess it was gonna happen sometime. In a community this small, it’s remarkable that it took seven years to run into their family somewhere.

God why does this hurt so much? Nothing has changed~our son still left when he was 16 and eventually changed his name and joined another 👪 family (from his highschool drama club) when he was 22. Four years ago.

But it does hurt. How do I get over this, Jesus? You’ve got to help me! or I am toast.

I trust You Yahweh.

Please hold me now. I miss our son. I feel like I will never be happy again.

Be near me now. Heal my broken heart.

I believe You. 🙏❤

Relapse part 4: self-forgiveness

Self forgiveness.

It’s a lot harder than forgiving one’s own perpetrators, don’t you think?

Forgiving myself Has come down to a bald choice for me. 

I have all the power.

I can refuse myself forgiveness.

Or not.

It seems like it should be easier than it is

 Because I am not directly to blame…

because I have more power over myself than I do over my perpetrator (who is long gone and probably would not even understand what the problem is.#loosecannon)

But it is simply not easier.

It’s complicated, because I am kind of both the victim and the perpetrator.  (Since it’s my child and it happened on my watch.)

I’m determined press on, though

because it is the  only way out and

Because it is part of working my steps (AA).

But I have got to forgive myself 

For being a shockingly bad parent at times. 

#neglect

 #abandonment 

#addiction

When my kids were growing up.

Help me Jesus. I don’t deserve to be let off here!

 You’re my only hope.

Rough Season– don’t you think?

 I’m surprised we’re still here, aren’t you?

I have now listened to the Ps 121, Ps 37, Ps 18 and\or Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, RT Kendall, Steven Furtick and a bunch of other sermons and scripture.

Roughly 32 billion times.

i love 💕 it

Conclusion…we are going to make it guys. 

strengthandcourage.That is what I am talking about.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That’s in 2 Corinthians.

#gonnamakeit

God is not going to overestimate my stress capacity.  He’s got the specs…….

For my soul.

The Bible says “He formed my inward parts in the secret places”  ps 139.  That has got to include capacity indications.

Like I know how many corn dogs my kids will eat when I’m cooking. Like I know how much ⛽ to put in my car when I’m filling it.

I have to start by giving it to Jesus

asking for His help just to breathe.

trust God.

He’s got the specs:

Toxic family

I love that Jesus teaches me how to think about well-meaning but toxic folks.

He modeled it.

And the people became offended and began to turn against him. Jesus said, “There’s only one place a prophet isn’t honored—his own hometown!”
Matthew 13:57 TPT
https://bible.com/bible/1849/mat.13.57.TPT

And if anyone doesn’t listen to you and rejects your message, when you leave that house or town, shake the dust off your feet as a prophetic act that you will not take their defilement with you.
Matthew 10:14 TPT
https://bible.com/bible/1849/mat.10.14.TPT

Flash back recovery

I went to sleep worried about my closely related offender, and feeling guilty for unfriending him.  His life is so pathetic and sad!  You know?
It’s complicated when you grew up with your offender.

I’ve always felt super responsible for this person.  I know how bad it was for us growing up:  I was there.

Some of you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Ambivalence.  That’s what the text books call it.

Disturbing.
That’s what it’s like

 when someone you love

is

someone you also need to be afraid of.

Most of my nightmare was about me trying to convince my family of a rather unusual thing:

that this guy is capable of killing me and my kids and they need to not tell him where I live.

And them

not being able to

believe me.

Yikes.

I want to blog this So that other people who love and also fear their family members, and people whose family choose not to believe them about crimes that have been committed…can know they are not alone. 🌷

It’s crazy-making, isn’t it?

I know how you feel friend.

Grief is great.

Let us be good to one another.

–the magicians nephew by cs lewis