Reboot my ❤

Shelter

New memories.

Flashback nightmare last night.

Father I need a refuge right now. A safe, protected place, where I can sleep and eat and rest

Then go back and fight.

You are my bunker. My bivouac. (Sp?) My safe place. My good jou jou. Hide me under your wings for a little. Don’t let me forget these long submerged memories from scarier times. I want to take them to the counselor You’re going to help me find, and then eventually use them to help others. OK?

Flashback nightmare

Jesus I feel so ashamed and traumatized and worthless.

Save me.

Save the innocents whom I have let down. Their faces haunt me!

Come. Holy Spirit I need You now. Everyone I know is asleep or busy getting ready for work. My hubby was at work hours ago. I called my dogs in to lay on my bed while I read my Bible and listen to sermons.

It’s just You and me.

Do Your stuff, God. You were there. You know.

You’re my only hope. ♥

It had to happen

Inevitable. Hubby and I were on a date, and there she was ~ our son`s new mom. 💔

Our son might have been there too; we don’t know. He’s in college somewhere, I think. Maybe he went back to the car when he saw us; maybe we could have seen him.

We just don’t know.

Heartbroken

I guess it was gonna happen sometime. In a community this small, it’s remarkable that it took seven years to run into their family somewhere.

God why does this hurt so much? Nothing has changed~our son still left when he was 16 and eventually changed his name and joined another 👪 family (from his highschool drama club) when he was 22. Four years ago.

But it does hurt. How do I get over this, Jesus? You’ve got to help me! or I am toast.

I trust You Yahweh.

Please hold me now. I miss our son. I feel like I will never be happy again.

Be near me now. Heal my broken heart.

I believe You. 🙏❤

Relapse part 4: self-forgiveness

Self forgiveness.

It’s a lot harder than forgiving one’s own perpetrators, don’t you think?

Forgiving myself Has come down to a bald choice for me. 

I have all the power.

I can refuse myself forgiveness.

Or not.

It seems like it should be easier than it is

 Because I am not directly to blame…

because I have more power over myself than I do over my perpetrator (who is long gone and probably would not even understand what the problem is.#loosecannon)

But it is simply not easier.

It’s complicated, because I am kind of both the victim and the perpetrator.  (Since it’s my child and it happened on my watch.)

I’m determined press on, though

because it is the  only way out and

Because it is part of working my steps (AA).

But I have got to forgive myself 

For being a shockingly bad parent at times. 

#neglect

 #abandonment 

#addiction

When my kids were growing up.

Help me Jesus. I don’t deserve to be let off here!

 You’re my only hope.