Oh my purple sparkly socks.
This hasn’t happened very much
( well…since I was a baby Christian, anyway. Notice how EVERYTHING seems to work for ya when you are a baby Christian??)
I had a bad nightmare.
Woke up and
made sure I
FELL STRAIGHT INTO JESUS’ ARMS
( Through His Word)
First thing my eyes see when I opened my YouBible devo for today?
Mastermind • Devotional
I’ve been thinking. About the sixth step. This is hard for parents who’ve abused or neglected their children.
There’s stuff back there that I do not want to own. You know? (It’s probably hard for everyone, but I don’t have to repent for everyone–just me.)
“Were entirely ready to have God remove all
these defects of character.”
“THIS is the Step that separates the men from the boys.”
So declares a well-loved clergyman who happens to be one
of A.A.’s greatest friends.
He goes on to explain that any
person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try re-
peatedly Step Six on all his faults—without any reservations
whatever—has indeed come a long way spiritually, and is
therefore entitled to be called a man who is sincerely trying
to grow in the image and likeness of his own Creator.
–BIG BOOK OF AA author anonymous
Is what swearing is for.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
When we have REALLY screwed the pooch…
- Like neglect
- or abuse
- or mental illness
- or addiction
- That kind of brown stuff
…The folks who got in my blind spot may not be ready
to even THINK about what i did,
much less offer me forgiveness.
Are There Times When Direct Amends Are Not Advisable?
Should I Try to Make Amends with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Hear From Me?
There be things that I must not talk to you about yet, dear person X.
Just know that when you are ready, I would be overjoyed to offer you my amends.
Until then, when I have those aha moments and suddenly see 👀 ANOTHER time that I was wrong…
I’ll take it to God in prayer or to my blog if it seems like it might help or take some action to volunteer my time and energy that seems appropriate, like in a 12 step group or community service.
my apologies can make you uncomfortable, like the last time we spoke. I’ll stay in the present unless you ask.
Its part of being gentle with your feelings.
Part of my amends.
You cannot absolve me. You don’t need that burden.
And I do expect redemption. Absolutely expect that.
The problem, however, is that trust and control do not coexist. You can have control or you can have trust, but you can’t have both. This presents a challenge considering that throughout scripture, God’s instruction to us is to trust Him. In fact, we often see that God’s guidance does not include the final picture nor are all the details known.
**YouVersion devo today
Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way:
Lamentations 3:31-33 MSG
The perfect storm:
In 1993, I was grieving a septuple whammy from life.
- bam! finding out, through a bizarre series of coincidences that my closely-related offender was currently abusing my little cousin
- bam! Going with my best friend\mentor to the county police near my home with this gut-wrenching knowledge, finding out that I could only report my own abuse by this family member, as I was witness to that. I did report that old abuse.
- Bam! shunned in a dramatic series of phone calls by my beloved family, who, to a woman, (including fellow victims and my mom!) chose to side with my favored, golden-boy offender and believe his clever lies that he was not abusing, that I was mentally ill and that I was merely seeking to destroy our family.
- bam! Nothing from my dad or any other male relative. Silence. I don’t think most of my family even knew. How do you talk about something like that?
- Bam! Losing my fledgling marriage to this sordid scandal and to (unrelated?) infidelity
- Bam! Expelled from my Portland area Bible college for moving out of my shared-with-husband home and into a small room that I could afford by myself, then foolishly asking a trusted male professor to pray for me. ( I can see now, how it must have looked. I was young and innocent.)
- bam! Having moved to another town, went out with a much older coworker, tried alcohol for the first time, woke up in his bed pregnant
I never thought that awful thing could happen in my perfectly planned-bible-thumping-runningfrommyupbringing life.
badly disappointed, I somehow held on to my faith, not sure how.
Those were tough times. 💔
I had seen a girlfriend choose abortion after a rape, and I saw how that devastated her. Empty arms. Broke her up.
Didn’t want that.
Therefore, I began working with Holt adoption services out of Eugene, Oregon.
I interviewed and selected my adoptive family.
I found a support group and a good counselor in my new city.
I found a nurturing-safe-biblepreaching-holyspiritlead-church and began to heal. there are churches and there are churches. You know? I was accepted like I was family. Weekly counseling with the minister and his wife. Fasting and prayer with them. The church welcomed me with open arms.
Bam! Lost my job—older male co-worker said I was making it up and he wasn’t the father. (I did have a boyfriend, so I can see how it might have looked.)
Bam! Lost my apartment.
Bam! Lost my health. Preeclampsia. Hospitalized. incredibly high blood pressures, threatened organ failure. Almost died.
Induced. 52 hour labor.
Love at first sight.
I changed my mind about adoption. Had a paradigm shift.
I got to bring this beautiful 🎁 home. I could hardly believe it!
The baby began a healing in my heart. Everything fell in to place. My purpose. My spirituality. Everything. Reversing all the yuckiness. Redeeming it.
My new church family hung in there with me.
Some kind people neighborhood folks took me in for after the baby came– until I could get into state housing.
Other kind people were my friends and helped me get stuff for my baby, visited me. Gave me books. Helped me learn.
I graduated from counseling. Met a very, very young man. (Like wetbehindtheears) I asked my pastor to check him out. Turns out he knew the young man’s pastor. They had lunch before we did. 🌻 he gave me 👍.
No quick fixes here. I have continued counseling and prayer ( off and on) for the last quarter-century.
We’ve been married twenty-five years. Four other children.
Happily ever after right? (Well, mostly, but that’s a different story.)🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻