Some kids that I care about are making bad choices right now.
I know Jesus will not blow sunshine about this.
He will tell me the truth.
Not everything that my kids do as adults is about me
But some of it is.
I did make some really bad mistakes
Especially when the twins (child #4 and #5,) were little and I was in the worst of my addiction and disassociation and losing time.
Especially when my kids got older and we got in adult-type arguments.
I remember new stuff all the time. Now that I am flat on my back in bed. I try not to obsess over it.
I own it. I’m sorry.
I’m learning new skills.
That’s all I can do.
God can do more.
Those bad choices stole from us.
He’s got a multi generational plan going here.
I trust Him at His word.
It’s challenging to find balance when my addiction is a behavior that continues to be a necessary part of my life, don’t you find? It’s like with an eating addiction, you’re not ever going to stop eating. But you can find new ways to think and talk about eating.
Sexual addiction has been my row to hoe. Sexuality, as a married woman, needs to be a healthy part of my life. But am i still able to walk in purity in my mind, you know?
Regarding my addiction du jour: coming up on ten years of abstinence. It feels pretty good. It does get easier, but an occasional rematch is still called for.
I am not beyond falling off the wagon. Ever. I walk careful. I mean right?
I find that so much of addiction involves MY THINKING. I depend on the Holy Spirit to help me. Some of my triggers are very subtle in the beginning, which is when I want to catch any imbalance.
I have to STAY in the Bible every morning. That’s part of my recovery. If I spend my energy putting GOOD IN, then I don’t have to worry as much about keeping bad stuff OUT.
I don’t read romance novels. Or even go down that aisle in the grocery store. Just maintenance for me. Not for every Christian woman, necessarily.
I watch my language. No, I don’t mean what you would think by that. I mean how I am talking.
If I talk about my sexual-ness as a way to bless my marriage, keep holy secrets, and show my loyalty to God instead of a way to prove something to the 🌎 or be selfish or destroy myself, then my thinking tends to fall in line with that.
I love my life. I love my freedom. I respect myself. I am learning to be kind to myself.
- The sound of an air plane buzzing in the distance
- Smell of baking bread
- Homemade tacos, any kind
- Fortune cookies after Chinese food
- My husband’s bald head and friendly smile
- Shakespeare and Hathaway, on BBC
- Celery, english toffee, dry fall leaves, corn chips, dry snow…crunchy things
- Cups of fragrant, steaming tea
- The smell of new tires
- Taking dinner to a sick friend
- Giraffes…comical and gangly
- Magic School Bus with Ms Frizzle
- Red hair and green eyes
- Toe socks