Happy to be stuck with you

Do you ever wonder what Abigail and Nabal were really like? #Good story (I Samuel 25) I always thought she was a spineless, codependent wuss.
Abi Wuss
But I think I might have misjudged her. Maybe she just believed in Nabal and loved him and he was her best friend and they had been through stuff together–births, miscarriages, deaths in the family, starting a business, Christmases and birthdays, mac’n’cheese and filet mignon—you know, stuff. Maybe she just wouldn’t give up on him.


Maybe she just believed in her Nabe.

And if Nabe failed her, then fine: in God.

Maybe she just wanted to keep her wedding promises.

Maybe she just wanted to trust in God about Nabal and wanted to do right by Him.

I don’t know


I can trust God with my marriage 😍

My man loves his family. He has bucco good qualities.

My man wants to be a good husband and father. More than anything. He tries really hard; I know some of what he’s had to overcome.

And maybe I’m not always a peach either.

(Just sayin’.)


Saying sorry 

It’s complicated.



I’m working my steps here.  But…

What Is Step 9?

Step 9 begins:

“Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”*

…my grown kids are a toughie.

They are ssssoooo tired of hearing me say “I’m sorry”.

Because I have often used that statement in the past to excuse and ask for absolution.

* I copied this from a very helpful article by buddy t  at verywellmind.com

So I’m trying to get a new way of saying Sorry.

By helping others

By helping and not hating myself

By praying for my kids and grands every day

By watching 👀 for opportunities to do good that do not take credit or manipulate.

By being the thing I wish I had

Innocent and cheerful

Relentless but not pushy, just infectious

quirky Optimism

Forgiveness …forgiven… forgiving

Let it go.

Make room for love

Older than dirt

I want to stay at a beautiful ocean view place for my birthday.

I’ll be ….older than dirt.

—im only 50 but this is How i feel.

I just made a reservation
Im inviting my brother.
First time i’ve seen him since my dad died.

He hurt us badly years ago. That’s why we left our fam. Police. drama. It was a mess. My kids still aren’t over it. I and hubby aren’t over it. God probably isn’t even over it! Is that blasphemous? No. It was a big deal. He’s still upset too. Kind of. I’m sure He gets it, anyway.

Needless to say

12 years.

I’m doing Whaaat?

We plan on aluminum siding conversations only. Short sweet and careful, right? Right.

But I’m pretty sick. Could be the last time I’ll see him. Could be the last time I’ll stay at the beach.

He’s not a safe person. Don’t trust him any further than I could throw him.

Scared snotless. Pretty much.

But this is what I want for my birthday. I been thinking a lot about it. Talking to my bro on face book a lot.

I gotta do what I believe.

And I love my big brother. I can’t help it.

I’m goin’ in.

Jesus help me do this thing. Gulp.

Anxiety Management 101

I was thinkin’ about this verse in I Peter.
Peter was a fisherman right? So he was probably thinking of casting— as in fishing. Don’t you think? With this in mind, I looked up a video of net fishing. I wanted to get the image of casting the nets in my mind. This is how I want to live my life. I want to cast with same energy as a fisherman does who wants to get those mullets. “How To Throw A Cast Net Step by Step – Captain Mike Then I was thinking further about loading my net. According to Captain Mike in the video, that is all absolutely pivotal in net fishing. Nothing successful can happen without it. If I don’t load my net properly: when I cast it, it’s gonna get all tangled up or even injure me!
Life is hard and we need each other
As I was praying\pondering further, I thought of the context of this passage. Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God That in due course He may lift you up.
Humble and confident
My attitude of habit. What is it? That’s how I position my heart to make that cast. I am intentional about loading my net. I submit to my suffering and don’t fight it. I don’t talk smack about my future. I don’t be nosey and snarky and judge-y, God helping me. I remind myself that I cannot make everything work with my formidable feminine competence.

Then I make my cast,

Hurling my net of fussing and worry


upon the waters of my life and my day.

Trusting that God will be there with all his beneficent bounty Trusting that He knows I am dust and I need my light bill paid and my lunches packed. Trusting that He knows about my mental illness, my insecure boss or hubby, my cranky teen, and my fight with my best friend. Trusting that He’s the Lord of the sea 🙏 and He knows I’ve been fishing all night and I’m tired.

Bring it on 🌻

But there’s far more to life for us. We’re citizens of high heaven! We’re waiting the arrival of the Savior, the Master, Jesus Christ, who will transform our earthy bodies into glorious bodies like his own. He’ll make us beautiful and whole with the same powerful skill by which he is putting everything as it should be, under and around him.
Philippians 3:20‭-‬21 MSG



Bring it on Jesus!

about me

I am a wife, a mom, and a friend. I have a disabled child, she is the middle of five offspring. I have a child who is mentally ill. Pursuing a diagnosis.

I am learning to live with an autoimmune disorder and heart problems. They have completely changed me, in mostly good ways.

I have a prodigal son who left home ten years ago. I miss him every day. He’s twenty-six.

I grew up in a scary family. Satanic Ritual Abuse.  Basically, it is Like a Viet Cong POW camp complete with torture and gross body stuff….but for little kids.  (Sorry if I just triggered you. Jesus.  You know.   please help my friend.)  …………I have flashbacks. I am learning to fight 💪.

I enjoy dealing with life as it is, not as it should be.

I have been through a lot of hard things, and I want to encourage other soldiers, and share hope and truth  and joy in my world.

I love Jesus. He is the reason my life doesn’t suck. I am crazy happy, actually. Well, mostly. 😉

I want to pay it forward.

Flashback nightmare: recovery 4-1-1

  • Just Woke Up. Heart racing. Breathing shallow. Palms clammy. It was so real!
  • Go potty. Get a drink. Move slowly and carefully.
  • Pray. Frontal attack. FatherGod, I ask in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth God come in the flesh for Your angels to inspect the canopy over my house. Please remove any unclean spiritual devices, evil or unwholesome spirits, and send them to the feet of Jesus Christ.
  • PrayTake out communication.  I ask for a sight and sound barrier to be in place, preventing communication within the kingdom of darkness regarding this matter. 
  • Pray. Target infiltration. I pray for any evil spirits to loose and leave me and my family now-mind, body, soul, and spirit: go directly to the feet of Jesus Christ and go where He tells you. Do not hide resist or delay. Do not draw strength from the inside or outside. Do not split, divide or multiply. Just go.
  • received_531090357779685.gif
  • Breath deeply and as regular as I can. (Oxygen!)
  • Proprioception: focus on here and now. Where I am in space and time.
  • Focus on the feel of my clothing. The rough carpet. My soft flannel pillow case. Here. And. Now.
  • Slow movements. Keep breathing deeply.
  • Focus on the sound of my fan. My husband’s sleeping breath.
  • Splash water on my face slowly and calmly.
  • Okay. Prepare for secondary attack. (Shame.)
  • Pull out memorized scripture.
  • There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus for the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death.
  • Thank You for using my trauma to bless folks who are hurting. Thank You for my scars. I trust you to make it right FatherGod.
  • anticipate tertiary attack. Suicidal thoughts……Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans for good and not for evil. To give you a future and a hope.
  • Anticipate flanking maneuver. self-pity
  • Practice gratitude warfare. Father thank you for this difficulty. Thank you for your good plans for us. Thank you for my warm soft blankie. Thank you for being up to help me fight. Thank you for kicking the devil’s tush at the cross and the empty tomb. he will crush your head and you will bruise his heel. Gen 3 baby!
  • I trust You.
    The Lord is my sheep herd. I lack nothing.🙏