I found it! Another thing that getting sick for years has given me. At long last:
the gift of silence
- Golden, beautiful
- Perfectly beneficial
- Exactly timed
When I was a young woman, I was reckless and unstoppable with my words. Bull in a china shop.
It served me well.
“Well, it’s TRUE”
was my mantra and the only measuring stick I used for my words.
Growing up in a home with
child abuse in it:
- that I had to live with
- that no one would believe me about
- that no efforts of mine would ever seem to change
caused me to NEVER WANT to be silenced again.
Even when I should be quiet.
I made a vow: When I get out of here, no one is ever going to shut me up again.
It turned me into a monster: I couldn’t be silenced.
- Even when I wanted to.
- Even when it was in my best interests to remain silent.
- Even when I talked to myself before a social function and said now Jennifer, I want you to be quiet this time.
nope. nada. not a possibility babe.
I couldn’t do it.
Open mouth. Blat my brains out.
Then came the inevitable
- Tense silences
- Frozen smiles
- Hurt feelings
It feels good to be able to hold my peace now. It’s a pleasure I’m learning to love.
...mostly im just too gibley tired to shoot my mouth off. #veryhelpful #autoimmunestuff
My fearless truth-telling has served me well in the past.
I honor it.
But I’ve outgrown it.