reboot my ❤

YOU GUYS! I figured out something last night! 

I was thinking about my oldest children; replaying several events of their lives in the light of who I am now. Over and over.
basically: sinking into a morass of yuckiness.

Ugh.

(background: I’m used to fighting off suicidal thoughts, especially around holidays or if I’m tired.  I ask Jesus for help, and say scripture, and thank God for this lonely, isolated, or restricted time of my life. It’s an attack.  It’s not who I am.)

It suddenly occurred to me:

This is an attack, not of suicidal, but of shame. It’s not who I am.  I must fight it with the weapons God has given me! 🌻

I have failed in some key 🔑 ways as a mom.  Fact.

I have uncomfortable consequences.  (Relationships) Fact.

Jesus will never leave me or forsake me.  Fact.  Not only when I’ve been good.  Always.

You know how when you’re pregnant, suddenly EVERYONE is pregnant because you’re looking for that?

Well it’s like that.  It’s how I think about the 🌎 that colors my experience of the 🌎.

I’m not a miserable worm of a failure.  I’m me.  God loves me.  God is wonderful. The world has many small miracles in it.  All over.  

I’ve just got to look.  🌻

Fact.