reboot my ❤

Oh my gosh.  I have to get this down you guys!  I’m having church with myself!  God just gave me about five words that completely changed my heart.  You know-how he can say a thing to you and then it take five pages to say it to someone else?  Like that.

Jesus.  Holy Spirit . Father God.  Help me remember everything that would help someone else.  I know that I know that I know that I’m not the only mamma who hurts in this way.

 #halfthereasonwerelapse

I can speak to this pain because of YOU Jesus. 🌻

So.  Back ground info, right?  So you know that I’ve put in my time.

occult abuse

Disassociative identity disorder (used to be called MPD)

Divorce and numerous separations

Sexual abuse as a matter of course

VIETNAMs got nothing on my childhood.

I don’t blame my parents.  I used to.  Bigtime.  I see now that they were hurt as much as me.  A parent NEEDS to care for their child.  mammals love their babies.  Period.  I blame the devil.  He comes only to steal kill and destroy right?

There’s this verse that has always stabbed my heart when I read it.  Because of my mental illness: DID.  I’ve always felt since I found out I had it, that I had failed my kids.  Worst pain of my life.  Some of you will know what I’m talking of.

I always wanted to be a good mom.  Tried to pretend I was even.  I failed spectacularly.  So this verse has hurt.

I was thinking about this verse as I was grieving this hurt.  Not being there because I disassociated. So much loss.

And I saw it!

God was there caring for my children even though I was in la la land!  He had my back.

he knew about my abuse .  He knew about my disassociation before I did.  Back when I thought I was just a bad person and that was why I missed things.  Back before I’d ever heard of SRA or DID.  He knew.  He stayed there when I couldn’t because it was too gross or too horrid.  He stayed for me.  So I wouldn’t have to be alone.

He doesn’t have grandkids right?  Those promises are just as viable for my kids as for me.  If something came down the pike to them because I’d faulted at my post, he would say no.  And make it stick.

I claim these promises because of JESUS.  I know Isaiah wrote for the children of Abraham.  But Jesus grafts me in to that line because of the cross.  Absolutely these promises apply to me and mine. He is my kinsman redeemer, my brother that loves me better than a friend.  God has made me a coheir of all the promises which are yes and amen in Jesus Christ of Nazareth God who came in the flesh. 🌻

I feel loved.

Those verses will never hurt me again.

He stayed there. 🌻 He never left.  He kept his promises.