I was having a conversation with my Higher Power yesterday.
God told me…
(however that works. Not audible voice but He has NO TROUBLE getting his point across, I mean right?)
…stuff about my illnesses. (MS heart THING pacemaker almost died a couple times and whatnot)
I was at Him again in the 🚺 REBOOTing closet trying to get out of the bathtub. I pray\cry\talktomyself a LOT trying to do that. If you’ve ever been ill you probably have done this getting out of the tub as well.💛. Good comin to Jesus experiences.
- God, I’m so miserably weak and uncomfortable. If people could die of uselessness and loneliness I’d be pushing up daisies by now.
- You know how much stress this is putting on me and my family. My husband is like Mr. Mom and we’ve had to go to ONE income, and the kids have had to give up seeing me at their school events forEVER and I can’t remember the last time I cooked dinner or vacuumed.
- You could TOTALLY snap your fingers and I Would be well. You could do ANYTHING. I was ready to be healed when my oldest daughter prayed for me 6 years ago! But NO, you didn’t heal me the first three times we asked; and now she is having an existential crisis of faith about it!
- Why don’t you heal me? You totally could in a hot NewYorkminute.
I love it that I can be honest with God. I was not raised to be like that. My peeps did not know to tell me that He’s much more approachable and cool 😎 than we were taught. I mean, I’m thinking it anyway, right?
Not to be disrespectful. 💛
So he did some TLC with me. 💛
And reminded me of Joni and Billy Graham and Grandpa Dodson. 💛
And then asked me a very pointed question:
(You know how God can say a thing in about five seconds that it takes five paragraphs to relate?)
Would you rather go back?
Flash back: my husband being amazing and wonderful even though he’s more tired than he ever thought he could stand.
The looks in my three youngest kids eyes about their dad. Respect and love.
My oldest sons shocked 😲 ” you’ve changed Mom” when I wheeled into the kitchen after a sleepover and, seeing the tornado wake, said ‘ oh well, it’ll be there, ” instead of uglynastyomnipresentfussiness.
My oldest daughter bringing me discreet underwear from Always ®.
My son’s girlfriend bringing me nail polish.
My neighbor sending me fresh vegetables.
My church group’s kindness.
My auntie and husband listening to me weep copiously and rail at fate.
All the HOURS and HOURS of alone time to reflect pray listen to sermons and write.
The largeness of heart ❤ that I have been delightfully discovering in my own chest.
And a bunch of other stuff too. Too much to recount. All in about five seconds.
I would NOT trade it.
Not for winning the lottery. 💛