Armor up. Consider this.

The righteous call to the LORD , and he listens; he rescues them from all their troubles. The LORD is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope. Good people suffer many troubles, but the LORD saves them from them all; the LORD preserves them completely; not one of their bones is broken. Evil will kill the wicked; those who hate the righteous will be punished. The LORD will save his people; those who go to him for protection will be spared.
Psalms 34:17‭-‬22 GNBDK


My man and I  consider the first ten percent of our gross income (or in hard times $50) as belonging to God.  We always give that away to some discouraged person whom God points out to us, or one of our kids, as the Holy Spirit directs us, or most often our church.

This is our statement of faith in God.  All that we have comes from Him or past Him (trials). 

 We trust in God to make our ends meet.


Not for everyone, but this is what we believe.

#put our money where our mouth is

Fear.  Things that make ya go hmmm.

​By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.

Hebrews 11:7 NIV

Holy Fear

I want to have that kind of fear.  I want to learn from it and become wise.

What makes it holy?

It comes from faith.

It leads to action.

It still presumably involved imagination of future doom.

Why in this case was it commended and in other times it is not?

All my imaginations of future doom seem to bring scarcity and exhaustion and sorrow to the 🌎.

In short death.

Have you ever thought, my doom has come upon me?


I have brought this on myself?


Lord thank you that fear has no place in you.  


You are all full of light and life and love.

There is no place for darkness to be in You.

Just like when I walk into a room and switch on the bedside light, 

Darkness goes away.


Forgive mySELF

​Oh my gosh you guys!

I just realized this.

Forgiving mySELF is an act of FAITH 

I never realized it!

I will put my faith in Jesus blood and reckon it to be ENOUGH to pay for all the stuff I didn’t do as a young mom.

I believe that He will work even this out for good to those who trust Him to do it.

Yep.  Totally forgiving MYSELF

REBOOT .. Connection 💛

 God keeps track of all of our prayers even when we forget them and move on with life.  Don’t you think?

He’s just 😎 like that.

So I had a BIG breakthrough.  💛

I have learned that grieving is like a bed spring.  Round and round we go though the stages, from strength to strength.

Getting closer to acceptance and peace all the time.

Don’t you agree?

The crux of my particular grief seems to be that i lost mothering times that I should have had.  Mine by right. You know?  But now my kids need separation and individuation.

Something finally made the connection for me.  Sort of like a circuit finally was closed in my ❤.

The upshot of this transaction between me and Him was to really trust Him on a deeper level and give Him all the things I have lost.

 “If only I would have” or “if I could just tell them …”. Is magical thinking.  Remember that from psych classes?  A way that children think about things. 

 I’m ready to leave it behind now I think. 

 I trust all of it to Jesus.  He knows.  He will make it right. 💛

Parenting in recovery

Dear fellow weary soul who is overwhelmed and discouraged. 💛

Church was good this day.  Younger son had his girlfriend here.  We go to and love it.  Going to married small group too with live chat program.  No bulls***. Ya know?

Making Easter dinner. Hubby went to the store. So I thought I would write. And then peel potatoes, which I can DO  from my ♿.
Hurting this morning over our two oldest knuckleheads.  💔

We recently had to send them a tough love letter.  Ouch.  I will post that if it seems like it might help my readers.

That early morning waking part of grief:  Yucky.  Uncomfortable. Ain’t it?

I looked up an article on symptoms of grieving to share with the fam.
Hope i get a chance.  💛. It helps to know what to expect.  They are grieving too.  Even though oldest kids have been awful (passive\aggressive? ) to them the last five years or so, and they had all but given up on them anyway. 💔 

It’s like a death, right?  That’s what it feels like.  Like after my first husband left me.  The early morning waking.

At church we talked of thinking “that will never happen to ME” with Peter denying Christ during His trial.
I was thinking of my two oldest the whole time.


I did not sign up for mothering prodigals, ya know what I mean?  Who does?

 Or failing them when I was young so badly.  Thought I was better than my mom and I was all that and a bag of chips because I loved God.  Wrong.

I was thinking about David and Absalom.


Failure at one of the most important things in my life- parenting. Remember the dreams that we had as young parents?

Remember how we felt when they put that clean baby into our shaky arms? I never thought I would walk through this. I mean, right?

I get David in this.

It is hard for us to rise above our upbringing and culture.  Mammals love their babies.  Period.  Even the ones who blow it.  

I see my pain as a chance to participate in humanity. 

Especially among the recovering mentally ill, this culture of fractured family, this culture of two incomes where it is so hard to have time and energy, this land of the addicted and stressed.

To see God move: that is what I want.  (oh Bother grammar!)

To hang on and never give up on my family. 

 To experience His comfort.  How does the KJV say it?  The “bowels of His mercy”. Funny.  But isn’t that where you feel grief?  In your core.  

I want to be present for this grieving. not hide in my addiction du jour

To hang on to Jesus and every wholesome pleasure I can fit in.  

To graduate and become eligible to DO GOOD.

To share that comfort with my brothers and sisters.
I didn’t sign up for this. 
But I am determined to ask God for His comfort, to model good skills, and to share what I learn.

After all, we’re in this thing together. Right?  🌻💛🌻💛🌻💛


dark night

Alone again and still

God’s earlymorning, darkened, quiet studio
Sharpen my heart.   superfluous flotsam falls away useless.

Goodbye interesting beautiful charm and verve: You have helped me — I thank you.

Clarify the unnecessary proteins that make me vulnerable.

Goodbye dear chutzpah.  You have made me strong — I honor you.

Pressure cooker life with your uncomfortable wisdom–  I respect You.

Honed. True. Pure.
Not messin’ around

Application -minded
Usefulness and quality stamped
straight as an arrow that was headed to my ❤ heart

where I all unawares
and You longing watching and waiting

Garden invisible and real

Of the soul