Reboot my heart

Perfect love casts out fear


Flashback nightmare.

Oh my socks my friend! Have you ever woke up and been giddy with relief that what you just dreamed was only a dream?


Not gonna lie—At first I felt scared, vulnerable, overwhelmed and a bit nauseated.

person in yellow protective suit

Photo by cottonbro on

But then I had a chance to remind myself of the things that are real and true and current and beautiful.

Thank you for this experience God.  I’m saying that by faith here.

You could stop me from having flashback dreams, that would be easy for you.

But then I would not have the joy of being rescued.

And I would not know how to fight off my bad thoughts

by choosing new ones.


I know that you have never left me and I trust you.

Thank you that I don’t have to sit in my fear: I can reboot; I can remind myself of how much you love me

Perfect love casts out fear.

  • You are strong
  • you are safe
  • You are kind and good
  • You are wise
  • You are loving

I will trust

I will trust

I will trust in You.

woman wearing grey long sleeved top photography

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on

Getting the point across

mother teresa photos 2min long here

I recently read that Mother Teresa (who is one of my heroes) had a long period of time in which she wasn’t sure what was going on and she did not hear anything from God.

  • Doubts.
  • Uncertainty.
  • Abandonment.

A Dark Night of the Soul

Maybe I’m reading into it, but she sounded like she was depressed. I don’t know.

I’ve started to think, now that the ‘new’ of my Health stuff has worn off, that I don’t understand why God won’t get me out of this trial. It would be nothing for Him to do that.

Do you wonder stuff like that?

  • Why won’t my child or spouse come home?
  • Why won’t God fix my finances?
  • Why does my spouse look at porn or drink or take pills?
  • Why can’t I get pregnant?
  • Why doesn’t God make me a good friend or parent or child? He knows I want to be good; he’s got to want that for me.

He can do anything. I’ve seen him heal people lots of times.

I know he has spoken to me in the past–

twice audibly (why not?)

–and I STILL (after-how old is my oldest child?-after 24 years– feel the reverberation, like ripples in a pond, in my soul, in my life.

He’s very good at getting his point across.

I do not understand it. Why does God seem to sit on his hands at times when it seems that he should (or when he’s promised to) act?

  • He is the most remarkable
  • Kind
  • Wonderful
  • Shrewd and wise
  • Creative and capable
  • Beautiful

person that I’ve ever come in contact with and I can’t feel that it’s possible to do anything but love Him.

The jury’s still out on why. But I trust Him anyway. Don’t you agree?



I don’t want to be a lightweight. Know what I mean?

I want to be able to handle all the things that other people go through without getting shocked and freaked out.

….to be taught by the things that I myself go through, just like Jesus. He “learned obedience through the things that he suffered”,* right?

The nice thing is, I am pretty sure i don’t have to be especially spiritual or strong or well-connected to learn this.

For example:

  • Moses (BIG time anger issues)
  • Jacob (manipulative and opportunistic wheelerdealer)
  • Ruth (man problems)
  • Mary (unplanned pregnancy…well, from her mother’s point of view anyway)
  • Hagar (homeless and pregnant)

That’s reassuring to me, because I feel somewhat flawed most days. Not low self-esteem; i mostly like who i am nowadays; just being realistic.


I can be interested and willing and as open-hearted as possible.

and then God does the rest.


I am willing to be made willing.

Please make us resilient and wise and beautiful in our hearts.

* While he lived on earth, anticipating death, Jesus cried out in pain and wept in sorrow as he offered up priestly prayers to God. Because he honored God, God answered him. Though he was God’s Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do. Then, having arrived at the full stature of his maturity and having been announced by God as high priest in the order of Melchizedek, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who believingly obey him.
Hebrews 5:7‭-‬10 MSG 3×5 p.



  • Jane Austen novels at My favorite is Mansfield Park (BBC recording with Benedict Cumberbatch as Edward)
  • Roasting marshmallows in the backyard.
  • Homemade popcorn. Not microwave or hot air popper. Recipe here
  • Life (Original flavor).
  • Gazing at purple mountains majesty.
  • Snuggling with my dog, slippers and coffee and YouBible or on my phone in a sleepy, sunny house.
  • Eye crinkles, beards and round bellies.
  • Fuzzy socks.
  • The sound of children laughing together in another room.


When i found out that i have an autoimmune disorder, one of the changes I had to make in my life was taking a YOYO day (You’re On Your Own) on Tuesday and Thursday. My family could expect me to do my job three days a week at least. Survival.

This week, I had to change my YOYO days to Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I now have to rest more than I can work.

I’m getting sicker. I know, a lot of girls have things a lot worse than me. Not complaining. Just there it is.

This is very confusing to me because I asked God to heal me.

I believe God can do anything; my daughter went to this healing meeting, and afterward (i love you R) she called and prayed for me, and you could feel the power coming off her! It was thrilling! So we thought I was healed. God definitely did SOMEthing when she prayed for me…a lifting of sorts… (was that the spirit of MS? Is there a spirit of MS? I don’t know, but something definitely happened when she prayed. I call ’em like I see ’em.)

… and then next morning I got all excited and tried to walk my dogs like I used to in the mornings.

Rather shockingly, I almost fell in front of a car at the bottom of my driveway.

I do not understand.

God is the kindest most wonderful person that I’ve eve come in contact with and I love him passionately.

But sometimes He seems to sit on his hands.

You know what I mean?

I do not understand.

Just sayin.

Chuck Spurgeon struggled with depression too


Spurgeon for today

Feb 12

“When the black clouds gather most,

” the light is the more brightly revealed to us.

“When the night lowers and the tempest is coming on, the Heavenly Captain is always closest to his crew.

“It is a blessed thing, that when we are most cast down, then it is that we are most lifted up by the consolations of the Spirit.

“One reason is, because trials make more room for consolation.

“Great hearts can only be made by great troubles.

“The spade of trouble digs the reservoir of comfort deeper,

” and makes more room for consolation.

” God comes into our heart–he finds it full–he begins to break our comforts and to make it empty;

“then there is more room for grace.

“The humbler a man lies, the more comfort he will always have, because he will be more fitted to receive it.

“Another reason why we are often most happy in our troubles, is this–then we have the closest dealings with God.”